I’m gonna have to go to the lovely lady. Yay! Thank you 🙂 When do I start? Er, we actually just closed down. We just went out of business. I’ll tell you what I want what I really really want.
Wait what do you want, what do really really want? To play some games with my squad. WOW Today, we’re going to be playing a game called funemployed Er, It’s a card game kind of like Apples To Apples kind of like Bucket of Do Each of us are going to get a handful of cards. 4 cards exactly each one is going to have some sort of adjective. Something that we would put on our resume. Er, we’ve got some examples here.
So nude selfies. That’s something that you put on your resume. So why would that help you get a job? You’ve got to explain that to your employer during the interview Sex sells That’s true. And there’s a twist because the employer then gets to add one thing on your resume to ask you about it. It’s just like when the interviewer googles you and then finds something weird about you.
Like a butt pic from Snapchat. * record scratch *Yeah So why, why was there a butt pic from Snapchat? You know creative choice. Alright you guys since I’m the interviewer I’m going to pick this card.
It’s going to give you guys a job. Awwwwwwwwwwwww yea boi Is she okay I dont kn- Sometimes you’re just craving some crab I thought she was going to say crack. But beyond that lets go. Here we go!
Literally felt the texture on my mouth. School Nurse! Alrighty so starting with you Courtney. As a school nurse, What do you have to offer me? First of all, I have a day job So obviously people like me And want me to be around to be employed with them.
Very responsible. So I studied buddhism. Ooh no, so you peaceful. I’m very peaceful I can handle children when they’ve gotten into a fight at school, but I’m also a hoarder So I keep tons of medical supplies with me.
Which we need their at the school. Yeah good I get this school in particular seems to get a lot of hurt people. I have a chain, so If there’s some troublemakers at the school that are bullying and beating up the kids I can like chain them up, right? But how about you being a raging alcoholic? Um, you know it’s something that I deal with but Also, it’s another thing that keeps me a little loose a little relaxed.
A little loose and relaxed Maybe you’re a little uptight No, no, cuz I’ve always drunk. So I’m just relaxed So when I’m handling the kids. Alcoholism is actually kind of strength for me All right, I’m gonna make this short.
Like really quick for you because I don’t think I’m getting the job (Laughter) Don’t think I’m getting the job That’s not how you go to an interview! Oh okay! I’m gonna get the job. Okay well, I have a red light, like you can see people like if someones mouth, throat is hurting I have this red light to go look inside And I can look at their eyes and stuff and I can look at things you can’t see like the red light is a light, okay? What?
Okay, so we should go to the next one. Wait! No it’s good! So What if you have a light to like- (coughing) my throat hurts, well I look inside it’s a dark ass hole What do you need a red light. You need a red light you’re very mean- It could be a dark asshole too.
You have some probl- Okay, I want think that when Olivia pulls up to a red light she is like don’t look in my butthole (Laughter) Next qualification. I have tentacles. Yeah, I can multi-task and when there’s a lot of people all like coming in and a lot of children, students Then I can help a lot of children. A lot of sick children you need tentacles. Yeah to multitasking I’m hungover (Laughter) So you and her have like a lot in common Well I think when you’re hungover, as for me I feel like I do my I try my best.
Are you a raging alcoholic. No does it say that I’m a raging alcoholic Well I mean, I don’t know you tell me. No I’m just hungover. In her defence she was previously drunk, she’s not currently drunk. Yeah I’m not drunk anymore and you know from my experience, I actually function better.
Okay, good, next question- Olivia’s best videos here are when she”s hungover Noooooo! (Laughter) Also I am a hot mess Yeah, yeah, No nah nah no no no No you are (Laughter) You’re a hot mess, is that your heart, no nah nah no Her eyes are screaming murder right now No I’m a hot like I’m really hot Okay so what are you going to do with a hot dog be one of your qualifications, A hot dog, are you kidding? Yeah I haven’t figured it out. I feed it to the children. Do you eat them yourself? I can eat them myself, I have just an unlimited supply of hot dogs.
Well, you’re definitely not getting the job, you have a bad attitude (Laughter mixed with groans) She yelled at me. I’m sorry guys. Can we just eliminate her.
We have no shame. I didn’t want the job! Granted she did come in saying she didn’t want the job thinking she wasn’t going to get it, but her attitude was just nasty. She was playing hard to get Nooo I just So listen I’m literally the best that you could hire being a school nurse. Unlike everyone else being interviewed I was born on the streets. Oooooohhhh Listen, I know.
I’m not gonna take crap from any kid. You know I like talking about the streets. I care about the streets and the children. I care about the children on the streets. Yes!
And that’s why I’m here Yes! I’m going to make sure there’s no more children on the streets without proper medical attention. Dude (bleep)!
You better run for some damn office Let’s say something really bad happens. Yeah like the worst day right, 9/11. There’s a traffic jam and we can’t get to the hospital We need some other method to get there, okay.
Don’t worry. I’ve got a boat. Ohhhh! We can take a river you’ve got a stream.
Oh, yeah Do you want my job! I’ll gladly take your job. Keep going keep going. I have something better let’s say someone falls down the stairs right? They get hurt.
But they’ve got an assignment to turn it in fifth period. Yeah! They can’t miss school they still need mobility right? Well, I brought a walker. Oh my god! So we can help these children get anywhere they need Listen, we all know that there’s parents in the school system who don’t believe in actual medicines Don’t worry cuz I brought the Holy Grail Ahh!
The holy ghost! I will clean them with God’s light. You should hire me. And what you gonna do with hook Oh!
You want to know what I’m gonna do with this hook. I’m a sing it, and then I’m gonna put like a bridge followed by another bridge (Insanity) Shane do you want to go on me? (bleep) I feel like I just watched an Eddie Murphy stand-up special just ends like ohhhh!
Alright follow him up. Hey. Hey.
How are you. How are you, I’m good, Hi I’m Shane, I’m applying for the school nurse I’m trying to be cool with these kids I don’t want to come off threatening. I want to be funny for them, just like an ugly sweater Yeah!
Yeah! Weren’t for the kids you know yeah. Yeah, and uh you know yeah, but these kids they can get too edgy or tough and like you gotta be like hey! you gotta meter up man.
I need respect But they need love. They do you need love. But why what. I’ve got a claw.
Ohhhhh okay, like a lobster claw You best watch out. So you’re really a psychopath Oh yeah. You scratch. Do not mess around(x2). I can relate to the kids.
They’re learning, they’re stilll getting knowledge, and I understand that because I’m illiterate I still need to learn how to read. People ask me Shane how do you know all this stuff about medical stuff how? I have a medical dilemma. I have crabs And I’ll show it to kids That’s good, I like that I’ll show them the crabs Yeah, so they can know Camera, so I have a camera, and I’ll take pictures of the crabs and the claw That’s how you do it. This is what you can have you don’t listen to my medical advice And you’re gonna get if you talk back Shane, can I’m just say the thing that I appreciate about you, You really care about the kids.
Olivia your attitude you your attitude (bleep) you over Gonna have to go with my boy Noah (applause) The job is reality show contestant Ohh! I’m not changing the damn card you’ve got to have a lot of self-respect. For like ratings and everything you know like comments I’m gonna set up our own personal sex den. Do you know what I mean?
So you know how they have the cameras in the rooms or whatever. The smash rooms. Yeah but beyond that we’ll just have a sex den instead. There will be a lot of sexting I’ll make sure all of the contestants You can’t have phones on reality shows. Well on this one you can you’ll be able to see our text messages Or whatever like our news and like you know. I love that all that good (bleep) Tyrannosaurus yeah, he’s gonna have sex with this as well.
Sexual Tyrannosaurus? Yeah he has sex with us and tickles us It’s weird(x2) but as a reality show we go there We don’t play around. It’s all about sex(x5). Wow. Because sex sells. and dinosaurs Hold on Jurassic Park isn’t that like another on- It’s sexy as (bleep).
Tyrannosaurus sex! Why are you saggy? I mean, I lost a lot of weight I think I’ll be good for people that lose weight that um you know are like thin now but their skins a little bit you know what I mean, I’ll get the demographic of the Simple yeah simple stuff. I love reality television. I’m really into Scientology. Oh Nice.
I’m also very self entitled, so I’m not Telling everybody off and I’m super religious, so I’m self-righteous But when when I’m doing these confessional by myself I’m also self-loathing, so I’m like sad That’s a good turn the more self things you have the more reality star you are So I’m like struggling to. Guys I also am a little bit Cuckoo because I have a secret identity as well Ohh my wow (bleep) That’s some drama waiting to happen. You don’t know who you’re going to get Olivia or freakin Caroline Or (bleep) Mcallistar So why do you have a sawed-off shotgun? I have a sawed-off shotgun because my past was crazy, and I can’t talk about it Ohh If you talk about it you might have to kill someone And then I had a go into Scientology and fix myself, but I couldn’t Listen I think what you need on every reality shows a bread-and-butter character Every season needs someone who just fits the mold you need someone who’s going to be a problem.
So that’s me. I’m shady. There’s trees everywhere, I’m shady, I’m shallow. Ohhhhhh He’s a bad guy I have no shame. Oh, oh and guess what. What?
I’m shaved. Someone didn’t shuffle the deck! Wow, well, you’re definitely sound like the bad guy.
So what’s up a scalpel? That is I run an online a YouTube channel where actually cut open Candy and other small object with a scalpel yeah. I’m that guy. What’s funny is that’s a real channels! Yeah. Okay, so it’s like my name is Pherm.
I’m I come to ‘Merica to apply for ‘Merican reality star So in En- ahhh!gland Where I’m from I am a troublemaker Which is what I know you ‘Mericans like But be careful I I’ve been arrested. So I still have the handcuffs like any reality show You have happy ending That’s is south end But do not worry no one will get pregnant because of it because I should play Is happy ending with no other beginning? So are you shooting blanks or what is the deal with your a heavy flow? Oh (bleep)! Oh you found out!
I am both man and woman. My name is also Barbara This is really tough you guys did really good. Put me on battle bots You know what I’m gonna pick Olivia (applause) You know it’s about time we had some strong female people in reality shows. Oh (bleep) you, I am also female (laughter) Your job is Queen.
Hello. My name is Rocco I’m not know exactly where I’m from my accent goes in and out. Okay I’ve traveled the world a lot When I was in Mexico recently, I was in a telenovela Very good one. He was called (inaudiable).
I’ve been in America a single day, huh and in that single day I made a single dollar I will not say whether it was by Doing a simple day job or sex. I’m just kidding Every great employer, especially quaint which I think I am, has a sloth A little fella that you get advice from you did tickle them underneath their chin And also pray, what do we know and he’ll slowly look at you? Look at the your face He’ll give you the advice you boys looking for, also I have six months to live.
Oh I’m dying very quick by choice What if spitball. Yo just spitballing ah Its spit balling okay? What if we make a horse? Prime minister or even better a sloth I think he liked the idea.
Noah what would you like to go next? Oh, I would love to Listen here okay, cuz I’ve got a vision okay, and no one can (bleep) with this vision. Is it vision?
It’s vision, I got vision Along with the fact that nightly I will have wet dreams. Okay. Know That even when you’re not near me off doing through kingly duties dreaming of you. Dazzlingly inappropriate. That’s it. Yeah Okay, so kind of like charming.
Uh more surprising, past that I’m slimy, but that is just because of the wet dreams. Oh What if you’re usually honest question mark? I would [say] I’m usually honest. So what about the wet dreams that you’re supposedly having for me?
He would lie about that. Would you be lying about it? I’m (bleep) lying about it First to start off I am part of the one percent So I’ve got lots of money all ready to start with but I am on quite a long event But I’m a hipster. So you know I’ve got those modern beliefs. I’m very liberal.
I’m very free You know a lot more about coffee other than people on those best coffees Starbucks And then I’m Mormon so I have morals you know I covered with conservative religion, but it just feels like I’m cool You know I have x-ray vision if anybody tried to come up to us with some bombs I will see it first. can’t Mormons not drink coffee? I never said I drank coffee, I just know a lot about it Here’s another qualification for you.
Ok. Piercing. Yeah, also, I’ve got a piercing Yeah I know you like to go to the den and a lot yeah, so your incidental somebody could be a million-dollar smile Just to show you that I love you. I know what you like. I know what you need I know what you want.
Ok, but then I’ll also give you candy because you like candy you like your sweets We can also do squats together because we eat a lot of candy. I do my squats. Yeah, I know you like your squats You like to do exercise, I’ll do em with you This is kind of bad, but [your] old [your] old queen she had like really sensitive like she had a sensitive nose I don’t so like all the peasants that come up. I won’t have this face every time they come up I would have no sense of smell good love to look at me all the time, okay? How’s this gonna help you, killer moves cuz I can dance my ass off in the bedroom. Ohhhhhhhhh And I relieve you of all your stress King.
All right man, really hard, I’ma go with Keith. Oh We treat you like a king sure. I’m on boy Masseuse Lots of like people masseuses or whatever you want to call them.
They like screw a lot Well, I’ll bring extra money call a prostitution if you want, but I’ll definitely be there to bring in some extra help You’re a happy ending masseuses. Oh my God with my have an addictive personality, and I’m addicted to the job I Just like to do it. Black holes, I’m black, why not and then on top of that I have an STD So I like share a lot of like STD awareness like pro Pamphlets and everything because I like have it.
Which one? Herpes. Oh nice. Classic I have one quick question.
How is being passive-aggressive going to help you During like house calls because for people don’t just straight up rude. I can’t stand em so you have to just like molest em You’re just hella disrespectful, but I’m going to do it like sneakily so it’s just like oh did they just, did they just Okay, I get it. He was right. Do you think I deserve the job? Uh you know I’m gonna go through and you’re the first of the day, so I’ll let you know I’ll come back here to tell me cause I’ll be here. I’ll be waiting.
I’ll be here. Hey hi. Oh hi. Nice to meet you Okay To start you know I’ve got a really good spirit. Oh Good sometimes like I massage them so well they get so freakin relaxed that I have a wheelchair So they can roll on out of there (laughter) So like cause sometimes they can’t, sometimes their just like floppy Yeah I massage, I massage their muscles.
To the point where they can’t even use them and I have affirmative action. Wow that is great. Oh my god It’s a positive and I do my work.
I’m pop. I make us with me What does it mean? It’s to help minority get into colleges. Dude I was literally like affirmative means yes.
I looked at you and said that and that’s the worst look And last but not least. You’re doing real good. Thank you, okay. Thanks I have a sack, and it’s filled with hot rocks. Wow.
(collective wows) A sack of rocks that’s hot. On your resume it says that you’re a black belt And I mean it make sense seeing that you literally bring people home in wheelchairs I mean, that’s why I how the wheelchair in the first place I I put somebody in wheelchair from from my karate, but I’m fit. I’m muscular, and I know the body. I had to be honest you seem perfectly qualified Perfectly, so I don’t even remember who came in first My massage parlor is always open. Wow. So 24/7 you have like a crazy hectic job.
I’m always open for you I’m really into culture and like performing arts and like making the person feel comfortable and learning and stuff so then as they’re waiting there Will be a belly dancing. Wow. That’s pretty cool (Humming) This sounds like a 24/7 club. Kind of but you know we slow the mood down Nice. Because you know when you come here stressed, you’re feeling tense, we give you a blunt wow Wow, I’m really into wearing 3 piece suits Jesus That’s the last one is annoying.
I got a question because you put on your resume in big bold font you put down bipolar I’m just wondering I gotta ask well I’m guess this has to do with me also wearing a three-piece suit because I’m bouncing between me being a really amazing masseuse and also I guess like an author. You know my name’s Glen and I come from Minnesota. I know what you’re thinking, I’m a mediocre assasin (laughter) It’s what I do. You know. I’m not real good at what I do, but I do it the best I can you know so I do have a peg leg, I got that from a stair stepper You know you got your shoelaces untied watch out the way I do is I have been sharpened So when I kill a guy, I’ll stab it right into him and say a time to raise the stakes. Oh You like that one don’t ya Okay, oh, I have a cold black heart.
I have no emotion whatsoever. I can choke you I wouldn’t care I’ll do it, I had a real sad childhood You know my dad and mom, they would go out to red lobster, they wouldn’t bring me I’d be sitting at home playing classic Nintendo. Just doing my thing you know by myself so hMM Yeah, I kill people. Before you came in. Uh actually men in like suits came in and told me something They said you can have a man coming, and he’s gonna want to be a masseuse I want you to know he’s actually an Alien.
Oh yeah. I’m actually an Alien I should have told you that sooner, ah boy, really awkward now? My sad childhoods all a hologram created by the government because I Crash-landed here from Pluto or some crap but I think everybody from Minnesota’s technically an alien You know I’m just gonna have to I’m gonna have to go to the lovely lady (applause) When do I start? We actually just closed down. We just went out of business Guys, the job is psychic.
Hello again so all right. I did not become whatever job I looked for real the king now I am a psychic so first up look at this nice person with hat. I think I should get the job .That is good stuff Because I have my associates degree general studies I did I did it online. University of Phoenix I have some kind of plan.
I’m just playing stupid too though, but I offer some medicine. You know like Molly Come on with it. So you have a good time That’s a son, and I just take you to the next level that is what happens with molly. It says here. You are ambidextrous I did not know it word means.
Oh yeah, I can use both of my hands How do you use that for being psycic Just like writing out there like check some people want me to use my left hand, and I know that before they even you know ask. They’ll be like how you know I’m offended by right hand. Yeah dude, this is my job, this is what I want This is what I deserve, give it to me. This very good. Yeah, so first thing. I know when the apocalypse.
Oh But I’m not going to tell you unless you hire me that’s like a cool ide. I’m not going to tell the company I’m interviewing for until I’m hired and then I got the sweet the sweet beef. At least can you tell me how it happened no? I just tell you I know it’s coming in you know I like to think you saw what happened People are going to put too many of those sponge dinosaur things you put in the bathtub in the ocean They’re gonna spill out and its just going to suck up the whole ocean okay Okay, I got loose morals. I’m deaf in one ear other senses including my sixth sense are heightened I’m such a good psychic.
I will drop some crazy (bleep) on you. It will be like a mic drop situation You’re gonna marry a rich man. Now tell me I you said you have daddy issues on your resume.
Uh you know my dad Didn’t really like that I was psycic, he was never really around so he never really told me that probably being psychic But I kind of like felt that You know I kind of just like knew, so I became very independent so you know I’m an independent worker I don’t need somebody holding my hand. How does your feel now. Sorry, I’m not part of the interview. Oh you’ll see I he dead whoa. That (bleep) hurts I think I have psycic powers right. You think you do?
I know I do, They all said I wanted to be I want to be a psychic by the way. Oh Wow Okay, I you aren’t even in the room when I entered here so you clearly heard through wall Okay, so I’m kind of old because I’ve been around for a while So I have a cane and because I’ve been around for a long time And I was able to see a lot of fabrics that we wear our not vegan. Whoa. I started my own vegan underwear line That’s awesome Because I’m old psychic and I have this you know amazing business I’m able to get a private jet therefore And you we can travel around to go see our clients and tell them their future instead of doing it over the phone And also when we see their future, and we see something bad that’s going to happen to them.
I have the antidote That will reverse it Open up that window. What is the deal with liberal? Liberal, well since I’ve been around for so long and I have a vegan underwear line I’m a pretty liberal psycic. That private jet takes up a lot of fuel that is not good for environment that seems very- remember when I told you I was able to like foresee the future I was able to foresee the future of like how we don’t have we don’t live in a wasteful environment So I have an eco-friendly private jet. I have to be real honest I do not understand Why are you quitting your luxurious life for twelve dollars an hour psychic? I want to help people, okay?
Listen I’m ripped, I got a club. Whoa. Right.
Like an actual club like they say on that club for beating and I’ve also got some bad luck Now normally this would lead me into bad situations when I was young But every time that I would get my ripped clubbed body out there and end up in a bad situation Where something bad would happen I’ve always had the perfect alibi And that’s because I know what was going to happen I knew after the experience what the cop wanted to hear I was able to Them through my bad experinces and my bad luck mold myself into being a deciet what the true path is. You sound like a sociopath. Yes Effectively, yes, perfect. It’s really great. What is the deal of yoga pants? I’m ripped So I really enjoy having people stare at me.
That is super awesome. Yes, wow. You’re great You’re all really good people.
I mean probably not, but first I kick I have to go the Vegan Tony stark over here (applause) Guys, you know what that means. Olivia won another card game! We suck at it. She is back in the game.
Her streak is back on yeah, oh This game was so fun Please leave in the comments other games you want to see us play if you want to play this again Yeah, we’d love to play this again right. Sorry you don’t have a job shane. I don’t want one Bye